Emergency 72

Okay, I know, I know, I have been crap when it comes to posting the last couple of months. I apologize. I also wish I could come up with a few good excuses.

While we are being negative (do we ever stop on this blog?), I have been cutting myself since before Christmas and I'm not sure how to stop or even if I want to. The reason why I am telling you this is because I have to tell someone, not as a "cry for help" or whatever, just so that I can feel less guilty about the whole thing. Because its not like my parents have noticed or ever would notice unless I cut my entire arm off. As long as I get up early, do my chores, get on with my work and don't answer back, I'm not sure they'd really care. And its not as if I could tell Vic because she can't bear it when I talk about my depression or being ill or anything like that. She doesn't say so, but I know her attitude towards the depression is just "get over it!". I would tell Lilly because she is the most understanding, but I know she'd freak and make me "get help". Or I could tell Carley because shes tried to kill herself loads of times so she could hardly judge. But shes not been in touch lately.

The thing is I don't need to "get help" and I don't even feel the need to tell an actual person. The reason for this is because, crazy as it sounds, it makes me happy. It does. It gives me somewhere to focus all my feelings without bothering anyone else. And before you lot all freak out on me, its all totally under control. I clean out the cuts and never go too deep, and I only do it when I'm really upset. I think this sort of thing is totally fine as long as you keep a tight leash on things.

The only person who may suspect anything is my brother who once bore witness to me crying uncontrollably for no reason why day. I really couldn't explain to him why or even thing of an excuse for it so I just told him I would be fine and not to tell mum and dad. Then I went into the bathroom and cut myself, and my brother told me I looked much happier when I came back in.
He saw the cuts on my arm a few weeks ago too, but I told him it was nothing and he is too young and frankly, slow, to put two and two together.

On the plus side, Vic and I are starting to think about summer plans and they all sound sooo exciting! I can't wait.
And its only just over 9 weeks til I go back to London! I reckon maybe I'll be happier when I get back and manage kick my habit into touch.

Happy Hour

Sometimes I feel like my life is just one big guilt trip.

I often wonder who's getting off on watching me do all the things I feel obligated to do. I also wonder why I feel so damn guilty all the time. Why do I even care?

I haven't written in almost a month, mostly because I haven't had time, what with mum's birthday, our mini-break to the Alabama border, and, of course, Christmas. But now the new year is approaching and I suddenly feel like I need to write again.

Its time for resolutions.

Maybe thats why.

This week my horoscope has been telling me to let go of my grudges. Don't worry though, I'm not stupid enough to believe I actually could. I nurture my grudges like children, thrive on the idea of having someone to hate.

We're all addicted to something.

I dunno. Its probably the worst thing about me, but I know that all I can do is finally put my grudges to use. This is what 2008 is going to be all about.

I'm sick of wallowing in hate all the time. Its a guilty pleasure, but such pleasures aren't supposed to consume our lives and hold us back. They are supposed to be driving forces. Reasons to do better.

All I need now is a goal.

My Very Best

I'm not too great today because Michael, a very close family friend of our family, has just been diagnosed with a malignant brain tumour and all of a sudden we are all being told he has one,at most three, months to live.

He and his wife both taught me at school and its all pretty devastating. My mum is over at their house right now and me and my dad are going over later. Its all really awful for everyone because they are two of the nicest people I know and Michael always used to wear stripy coloured socks even though he was always very quiet.

Plus, we all only just got over JP killing himself and Michael's wife Caroline was best friend's with JP's mum.

All this tumour stuff has just happened within the last few days and everything is going very fast.

People I know keep dying and it just doesn't seem right.

2 Hearts

Looking forward to getting back more than ever, despite the fact that my whole life in London seems so far away now that I almost feel like it never happened, that maybe it was just all part of some really long dream. Its weird.

On the other hand, I have hundreds of plans for when I get back. It'll be like a fresh start all over again, a chance to be the person I really want to be, not the one that halls ended up pushing me into being. I'm going to go out less and look after myself more. I'll eat better and sleep about 7.5 hours almost every night because they say thats the perfect amount of sleep. I'll join the gym and take vitamins and go back to dance class. I'll be a better friend and pay less attention to boys (if not no attention).

I guess my emotions have been a little erratic lately.

Firstly, I had a pretty frightening cancer scare and on the same day Vic told me that Paddy has a girlfriend now and that shes really fit (obviously I never told her about the cancer scare). It was just bad timing I guess because I got really upset about it. I was just like, hes a fucking bastard who got off on trying to ruin my life and he gets a fit girlfriend and all I've ever tried to be is a good person and I get cancer. How does he get to be happy???? Its just so unfair.

I guess most people would assume I'd be upset because I'd be jealous of the girlfriend, but I promise, that really isn't the case. If anything, I feel sorry for her. I guess the real reason I was so upset was just because I felt like it was such solid proof that there is no karma in the world and certainly no justice.

If anyone deserved to remain single forever and die a virgin, it was him. And I know it sounds terrible, but that boy, someone who I thought was one of my best friends made me so miserable that I cant help but mean it.

Stabbed in the back by both Joanna and Paddy (and they are just those that were closest to me) in one year? I'll never let myself get that close to anyone ever again.

I checked the girlfriend out on facebook and now i feel a lot better. Shes cute and blonde and perky. Shes everything that I'm not, and everything that I have no urge to be.

The cancer scare turned out to be just that, a scare. I've never been so relieved.


Its made me even more determined to make a proper go of things when I get back.


Just 130 days left.

Beetlebum

Sometimes I wonder if my mother is right, and I am addicted to OTC meds.

But the thing is, even though I know that taking too much Ibuprofen can lead to stomach ulcers, I also know that Advil works for just about any pain that exists.

And of course, I tell my mum not to be so bloody ridiculous.

Which leads me to another thing.

I am a hypocrite. And I'm sure that writing it is not nearly as hard as saying it out loud.

I am saying this because the night before last I went to a Jazz concert of my brother's (I know, another one) and bumped into some of the kids I graduated with. One of them was Havalyn, who I have such a long, long history with.

And I guess the lie gets easier the more you tell it because even as I stood there telling the girl who I had been so angry at years ago for lying to me, lie after lie about why I was back in town, I only felt a little bit bad.

Does that make me a bad person?

Is one lie bigger and worse than another? Because if thats true, her lie totally trumps mine and maybe that means I'm allowed to feel okay about it.

Grey

Sometimes I wonder if letting my parents convince me to come back here was a HUGE mistake.

Days like today make me realize that it probably was.



I really hate my father.