Okay, I know, I know, I have been crap when it comes to posting the last couple of months. I apologize. I also wish I could come up with a few good excuses.
While we are being negative (do we ever stop on this blog?), I have been cutting myself since before Christmas and I'm not sure how to stop or even if I want to. The reason why I am telling you this is because I have to tell someone, not as a "cry for help" or whatever, just so that I can feel less guilty about the whole thing. Because its not like my parents have noticed or ever would notice unless I cut my entire arm off. As long as I get up early, do my chores, get on with my work and don't answer back, I'm not sure they'd really care. And its not as if I could tell Vic because she can't bear it when I talk about my depression or being ill or anything like that. She doesn't say so, but I know her attitude towards the depression is just "get over it!". I would tell Lilly because she is the most understanding, but I know she'd freak and make me "get help". Or I could tell Carley because shes tried to kill herself loads of times so she could hardly judge. But shes not been in touch lately.
The thing is I don't need to "get help" and I don't even feel the need to tell an actual person. The reason for this is because, crazy as it sounds, it makes me happy. It does. It gives me somewhere to focus all my feelings without bothering anyone else. And before you lot all freak out on me, its all totally under control. I clean out the cuts and never go too deep, and I only do it when I'm really upset. I think this sort of thing is totally fine as long as you keep a tight leash on things.
The only person who may suspect anything is my brother who once bore witness to me crying uncontrollably for no reason why day. I really couldn't explain to him why or even thing of an excuse for it so I just told him I would be fine and not to tell mum and dad. Then I went into the bathroom and cut myself, and my brother told me I looked much happier when I came back in.
He saw the cuts on my arm a few weeks ago too, but I told him it was nothing and he is too young and frankly, slow, to put two and two together.
On the plus side, Vic and I are starting to think about summer plans and they all sound sooo exciting! I can't wait.
And its only just over 9 weeks til I go back to London! I reckon maybe I'll be happier when I get back and manage kick my habit into touch.
About Me
- Red
- So when I failed my exams at the end of my tumultuous first year at a prestigious university in London, I never expected it would result in me being ripped away from my life there and dumped right back into the cesspit that is small town Georgia USA, where my family moved when I was twelve and where I attended high school. And all of a sudden I have to deal with all the problems I left behind and hope that when I return to the UK in April to retake my exams, my life there will still be intact.
6 comments:
Sweet, I love London. I used to live up in Chelmsford in Essex, just 20 mins on the train from London. I had a friend who lived in Camden and I used to go stay with him and his chick. Fun times.
OH Camden is soooo cool. I love that place. Bit seedy at night though. Have you ever been to the club Koko?
And Chelmsford! What could you have been living there for....?
fyi..the cutting leaves nasty little scars, that never go away..looks like you were attacked by reams of paper products...
and since they're rarely life threatening ( totally ignore this if you're cutting deep yanno)
but just do it ..
crap.if it makes you feel better
I eat junk food when i get all stressed..
No one gets all hyper over me getting a fat ass..
it's the same thing..we're physically abusing ourselves.
Cynnie:
THANK YOU for not judging. Its nice to know I'm not a total freak.
Nope, there's no judgment here, but perhaps a couple questions? The cutting doesn't cause lasting harm no, other than the scars as cynnie mentioned. To go scientific, what the cutting does is release endorphins that will actually make you feel better. So the question is, can you find a way to generate those endorphins without the cutting?
Depression is real, and you seem to have that dark cloud around you. It can be fought though, the question is how best for you?
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