I'm not too great today because Michael, a very close family friend of our family, has just been diagnosed with a malignant brain tumour and all of a sudden we are all being told he has one,at most three, months to live.
He and his wife both taught me at school and its all pretty devastating. My mum is over at their house right now and me and my dad are going over later. Its all really awful for everyone because they are two of the nicest people I know and Michael always used to wear stripy coloured socks even though he was always very quiet.
Plus, we all only just got over JP killing himself and Michael's wife Caroline was best friend's with JP's mum.
All this tumour stuff has just happened within the last few days and everything is going very fast.
People I know keep dying and it just doesn't seem right.
Friday, November 30, 2007
Monday, November 26, 2007
2 Hearts
Looking forward to getting back more than ever, despite the fact that my whole life in London seems so far away now that I almost feel like it never happened, that maybe it was just all part of some really long dream. Its weird.
On the other hand, I have hundreds of plans for when I get back. It'll be like a fresh start all over again, a chance to be the person I really want to be, not the one that halls ended up pushing me into being. I'm going to go out less and look after myself more. I'll eat better and sleep about 7.5 hours almost every night because they say thats the perfect amount of sleep. I'll join the gym and take vitamins and go back to dance class. I'll be a better friend and pay less attention to boys (if not no attention).
I guess my emotions have been a little erratic lately.
Firstly, I had a pretty frightening cancer scare and on the same day Vic told me that Paddy has a girlfriend now and that shes really fit (obviously I never told her about the cancer scare). It was just bad timing I guess because I got really upset about it. I was just like, hes a fucking bastard who got off on trying to ruin my life and he gets a fit girlfriend and all I've ever tried to be is a good person and I get cancer. How does he get to be happy???? Its just so unfair.
I guess most people would assume I'd be upset because I'd be jealous of the girlfriend, but I promise, that really isn't the case. If anything, I feel sorry for her. I guess the real reason I was so upset was just because I felt like it was such solid proof that there is no karma in the world and certainly no justice.
If anyone deserved to remain single forever and die a virgin, it was him. And I know it sounds terrible, but that boy, someone who I thought was one of my best friends made me so miserable that I cant help but mean it.
Stabbed in the back by both Joanna and Paddy (and they are just those that were closest to me) in one year? I'll never let myself get that close to anyone ever again.
I checked the girlfriend out on facebook and now i feel a lot better. Shes cute and blonde and perky. Shes everything that I'm not, and everything that I have no urge to be.
The cancer scare turned out to be just that, a scare. I've never been so relieved.
Its made me even more determined to make a proper go of things when I get back.
Just 130 days left.
On the other hand, I have hundreds of plans for when I get back. It'll be like a fresh start all over again, a chance to be the person I really want to be, not the one that halls ended up pushing me into being. I'm going to go out less and look after myself more. I'll eat better and sleep about 7.5 hours almost every night because they say thats the perfect amount of sleep. I'll join the gym and take vitamins and go back to dance class. I'll be a better friend and pay less attention to boys (if not no attention).
I guess my emotions have been a little erratic lately.
Firstly, I had a pretty frightening cancer scare and on the same day Vic told me that Paddy has a girlfriend now and that shes really fit (obviously I never told her about the cancer scare). It was just bad timing I guess because I got really upset about it. I was just like, hes a fucking bastard who got off on trying to ruin my life and he gets a fit girlfriend and all I've ever tried to be is a good person and I get cancer. How does he get to be happy???? Its just so unfair.
I guess most people would assume I'd be upset because I'd be jealous of the girlfriend, but I promise, that really isn't the case. If anything, I feel sorry for her. I guess the real reason I was so upset was just because I felt like it was such solid proof that there is no karma in the world and certainly no justice.
If anyone deserved to remain single forever and die a virgin, it was him. And I know it sounds terrible, but that boy, someone who I thought was one of my best friends made me so miserable that I cant help but mean it.
Stabbed in the back by both Joanna and Paddy (and they are just those that were closest to me) in one year? I'll never let myself get that close to anyone ever again.
I checked the girlfriend out on facebook and now i feel a lot better. Shes cute and blonde and perky. Shes everything that I'm not, and everything that I have no urge to be.
The cancer scare turned out to be just that, a scare. I've never been so relieved.
Its made me even more determined to make a proper go of things when I get back.
Just 130 days left.
Monday, November 19, 2007
Beetlebum
Sometimes I wonder if my mother is right, and I am addicted to OTC meds.
But the thing is, even though I know that taking too much Ibuprofen can lead to stomach ulcers, I also know that Advil works for just about any pain that exists.
And of course, I tell my mum not to be so bloody ridiculous.
Which leads me to another thing.
I am a hypocrite. And I'm sure that writing it is not nearly as hard as saying it out loud.
I am saying this because the night before last I went to a Jazz concert of my brother's (I know, another one) and bumped into some of the kids I graduated with. One of them was Havalyn, who I have such a long, long history with.
And I guess the lie gets easier the more you tell it because even as I stood there telling the girl who I had been so angry at years ago for lying to me, lie after lie about why I was back in town, I only felt a little bit bad.
Does that make me a bad person?
Is one lie bigger and worse than another? Because if thats true, her lie totally trumps mine and maybe that means I'm allowed to feel okay about it.
But the thing is, even though I know that taking too much Ibuprofen can lead to stomach ulcers, I also know that Advil works for just about any pain that exists.
And of course, I tell my mum not to be so bloody ridiculous.
Which leads me to another thing.
I am a hypocrite. And I'm sure that writing it is not nearly as hard as saying it out loud.
I am saying this because the night before last I went to a Jazz concert of my brother's (I know, another one) and bumped into some of the kids I graduated with. One of them was Havalyn, who I have such a long, long history with.
And I guess the lie gets easier the more you tell it because even as I stood there telling the girl who I had been so angry at years ago for lying to me, lie after lie about why I was back in town, I only felt a little bit bad.
Does that make me a bad person?
Is one lie bigger and worse than another? Because if thats true, her lie totally trumps mine and maybe that means I'm allowed to feel okay about it.
Tuesday, November 13, 2007
Grey
Sometimes I wonder if letting my parents convince me to come back here was a HUGE mistake.
Days like today make me realize that it probably was.
I really hate my father.
Days like today make me realize that it probably was.
I really hate my father.
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